When it works

I had some kids leave a while ago. They were my favorite. I know you are not supposed to have favorites, but I do...so there. They were Matt's favorites too, though he will not admit it. I don't have any contact with them, but I do creep on there Mom's facebook. She posted a new picture of them with Santa. They look happy, healthy, clean. They look like they are home. When the system works that's what happens. They go home, they stay there, they thrive there. When the system works they go home to a place that is safer, healthier, and more stable than the one they left. It is the best thing, when families heal. Adoption is a good, but it is a band aid and it leaves definite scars. When the system works they move forward as a family and they don't look back. When the system works you are left holding some pictures and a broken heart. When the system works it is bittersweet for you, but for them it is just sweet. That's what matters not what you are left with, but what they are left with. Not what you want but what they need. That is what being a foster parent is.

It takes a village

It takes a village to raise a foster child. It takes a village to prepare for kids. It takes a village to receive them. To grieve them. To receive some more. To be brave. To give them Christmas. To be obedient. To feed them. To be compassionate. To clothe them. To say goodbye. To celebrate when you don't have to say goodbye. I have the best village. In the last two years we have received thousands of dollars in gift cards, hundreds of items of clothing, hundreds of meals, cakes, prayers, aptly timed olive bread, gallons and gallons of formula, toys,books, your prayers, your support, your friendship. You have dug deep and laid down your lives for us for these kids. We couldn't have done this without you all. So if you have sat next to me while I cried. If you have brought me a meal. If you have dropped a gift card in the mail. If you have prayed for us and our children. If you have babysat. If you have celebrated with us. If you have grieved with us. If you have listened to us rattle of stats about children in the system. You have sharpened us. You have held our heads above water. You have strengthened us. You have been a friend to the orphan. It takes a village to raise a foster parent, and I have the best village.

17 months- All about Isaiah

Big things have been happening in your life this month! For one you were officially adopted on November 18, 2011. We are so blessed and happy that you are legally ours!

I keep telling your Dad that it's as if you became a boy this month. You no longer seem like a baby to me. It is so exciting to watch you develop and learn every day! It also makes me a little sad and long for you to be a baby again. It floors me to think about last Christmas and what you were like then. So tiny and serious, you are a totally different kid!



Food- You still prefer fruit and veggies to meat. You like bread but not like sandwich bread, you like rolls, cheddar biscuits, french bread, muffins. Your new thing that you love is feeding yourself with a spoon. One day you just started doing it ,you are really good at it. You also love chips, if you see one and have food in your mouth you take the food out to make room for the chip.

Activities- I cannot stress this enough...you are BUSY! You mostly run around all day getting into one kind of mischief or another. Your most recent favorite is to take candy canes off the Christmas tree. I find you crouched in the corner with a chewed up candy cane still in the wrapper in your mouth. You still love wrestling and being thrown around. You love playgrounds and have started going down the slide by yourself. You still love books and are starting to get into blocks all though they make you very frustrated. You also love bath time. You have started pretending to talk on the phone also.

Things that make you laugh- Yourself! You crack yourself up! When you do you laugh this deep laugh. I love it. Covering your head with a blanket and walking around running into things

New stuff- TALKING! You say block, ball, book, bath, nana, nono, mama, dada,hi, and bye. You also imitate your foster brother and say "I want milk" (kinda)

I have to pause and say you are a good looking kid!



Stuff that makes me swoon- kisses love 'em, your new found ability to flirt (mostly with your foster brothers speech therapist) you pretend to fall down and roll around and make yourself cute, sometimes when I can get you to lay still and let me hold you, but really your whole self from the fits, to the silliness, to the sweetness. You are the whole package kid. Love you more everyday!

P.S.- All pictures by Mary Beth Sudan. LOVE HER!

Resolve

Last Friday, 20/20 did a special called Overmedication in Fostercare.
I sat in front of the TV, with tears running down my face, listening to the statistics and to the kids retell their stories of being on upwards of 9 heavy duty meds and passed around to more than 20 foster homes. I thought of the two foster children occupying the two rooms at the end of my hallway. I thought: not them. I can stop these terrible things from happening to them.

Sometimes, friends, the burden is unbearable. There are weeks at a time where I am doing nothing but dreaming of orphans or tossing and turning at night thinking of how much the addition to my house would cost in order to fit all 162 million of the world's oprhans. Sometimes I get so caught up in the 162 million, that I forget about the two who are here.

Then, some days (and more, lately, if I'm being honest) I want to completely throw in the towel. Take my baby and run. These kids we have right now are hard. Not their fault, but that doesn't make parenting them any easier. They are not an easy fit. It is an uphill battle. I find myself missing Thomas and Joy, and wondering what exactly God's plan is.

But this special gave me resolve. These kids will not be overmedicated, they will not be moved from home to home. They will be safe, they will stay here, they will not move, I will do my best (by the grace of God) to parent them, they will not be put on meds. I have resolve.

Adoption Day!

November 18th, 2011. God knew the day ages before any of us even existed. He knew that was the day we were going to adopt Isaiah Michael Clarke.

We left Matt's parents house at 6:00am to make the drive into Houston and my heart was beating fast and the tears came and went the whole drive. In just a few hours, Isaiah would have his name changed. He would no longer be a foster child. We got to the courthouse at 7:00am and had an hour to kill. We went and got breakfast tacos from a shack, 'cause what else are you going to do?

We met our family developer, Jessica, in the parking lot and made our way into the courthouse. There were all these families coming in. All these orphans being un-orphaned.

We signed papers. We waited. Isaiah ran up and down the hall crowded with caseworkers and proud families and kids in their Sunday best.

We worked hard to try to keep Isaiah entertained.
Shout out to my husband. He is the best. He is an amazing father. And a world class entertainer.
That boy loves his daddy...and the feeling is mutual.

We waited and waited. Our lawyer kept apologizing. For the wait. For the chaos. I told her I didn't care. I was adopting my son. I would've waited til whenever I had to. I had already waited 20 years. What was a few more hours?

When we finally were moved into the court room, Isaiah busied himself by...
brushing his hair,
climbing in the stroller,

and laying on the floor grunting.

Then it was our turn.

All the praying, the crying, the waiting, the trusting. We were here.


This moment right here. This moment is the one I have been dreaming about for at least twenty years. I never dreamed of the white dress, or the church, or the big wedding. I dreamt of me with my son on my hip in front of a judge. Making promises and claiming the ones that had been made to me.


Then it was over. The adoption petition had been granted by the judge, along with all the other petitions that our hearts had made to the Father for our son. Hallelujuah!




Then we went downstairs and ate cupcakes, took more pictures, and partied Harris-County-National-Adoption-Day style.

Through all this, I was suprisingly composed. Then on the way out of the courthouse I stopped off in the bathroom and when I sat down to use the bathroom, I started sobbing. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He was staying. I did not have to pack him up and stand in my front yard and wave goodbye. God promised and delivered. I thought if I had never known what it was like to say goodbye to a child, then maybe I wouldn't know just how sweet it is to not have to do that. In that moment, crying in a bathroom stall, I was thankful for every stinking piece of the whole puzzle and I wouldn't have taken an ounce of it back.

So there is the story. At least, my version of it. But I do want to take the time to honor the people who God used to bring our son home. Lisa Patterson, who loves orphans and works with God to place the lonely in families. Dale Smith, who runs our agency with humilty and obedience to the Father, and a deep love for the orphan. Kay Whyburn, who is crazy and just knew he belonged with us and broke countless rules to get him home. All his caseworkers: Sharon Love, Deedra Red, and even the one who almost dropped the ball who shall remained unamed. Amy Slaughter and Michelle Teal who helped seal the deal. Finally, Jessica Hall - our family developer, who is really more like a super-hard working, completely-invested auntie and friend. She puts up with my crazy antics and my shrill incessant phone calls with patience and love. You, my friend, are a light in the darkness of this system. A woman of God who loves Jesus and serves His people. We love you so much and cannot thank you enough for all you do!

A Plan

This morning we are leaving for Houston. Tommorrow we will adopt Isaiah. This week I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for my son, his story, our story, and for Jesus. The other day it struck me that God made a way for Isaiah 5 years before he was born. 5 years before Isaiah had been adbandoned God had given him a family. 5 years before he was ever not named God told me his name. 5 years before Isaiah ever entered the system God made him a way out. The other day I was telling all this to Isaiah through tears. And I said "Your heavenly Father, the God of the Universe. He loves you SO much." And then I thought "Me too". God did the same for me. Before I fell apart God knew how to put me back together. Before my life hit the fan in 2000. God knew what I needed. Before I overdosed that awful June day God had a plan. Before I ever sinned God gave me Jesus. Before I ever turned away he was already bringing me back. When I think about my sons story, I will always think of it as a parable to my story, all of our stories. Being brought home before we ever left.

Gotcha Day! All about Isaiah

One year ago today my son came home. I paced by the window and waited and then the car appeared and I ran out to meet him.


This is one of the only pictures that I took that day. I was too busy staring at him to take pictures.

One year. I have never parented a child for a year they have all left before.

We dedicated Isaiah in a service at our church on Sunday.

Here is what I said (imagine me ugly crying and stopping to sob)
(I am praying in the picture)



6 or so years ago God told me He would give me an African American baby boy and that he would be abandoned and that I would call him Isaiah

2 1/2 years ago God told me he would come to us through foster care

1 year ago we got the call that we were chosen for an African American baby boy named Baby Boy because he has essentially been abandoned at the hospital.

When we went to meet him I asked the caseworker what they had been calling him in his foster home (he was 4 months old)...she said Isaiah.

God had given us our son.

God's promise fulfilled.

Psalm 68:6 says He places the lonely in families. And that is true. But it is not just for the sake of the lonely but for the sake of the families too.

This summer on the day of Isaiah's termination trial I was anxious and praying for a scripture and I felt the Lord leads me to Isaiah 62

"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God. You'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God. No more will anyone call you Rejected"

On November 17th (hopefully) his name will legally change from Baby Boy to Isaiah Michael Clarke. The name God intended for him 5 years before he was ever born.

I was praying Sunday morning asking God what he wanted to highlight about Isaiah's story. I felt like he said" That I am real. I am still relevant. I care. My plan is good. I still intervene. I went into a completely hopeless situation and changed the course of everything. Beauty from ashes, from abandonment to belonging, unnamed to named. Glory to God. That's is Isaiah's story.

Happy Gotcha Day Isaiah Michael Clarke! I love you more than I thought I was capable of. We are so thankful, I pray you always know that the God of the universe loves you so much that he did a miraculous work to bring you home. All glory and honor to him. The author of my faith and my family.

An Un-Romantic view of foster care

Recently, I was asked to give an unromatic view of foster care. I thought: "well, just come eat dinner at my house. Or, even better - come to a restaurant. But honestly, maybe I do write more about the beautiful or spiritual side of foster care than the hard or ugly parts. I would dare to say that foster care is not romantic at all. You are stepping into a life that reveals the brokeness of the world and of yourself. So here it goes.

It is lonely and isolating sometimes. Especially in a roomful of moms or families. The truth is, you don't ever feel like you completely belong. Your life is similar in so many ways, you may be in the throes of potty training or sleep training, or any other normal parenting issue, but the differences are glaringly obvious and huge. You maybe doing all that only to send the kiddos home in six months and then to start all over again with the next ones. Even the most sensitive and supportive friends sometimes say hurtful things because the truth is: they do not understand the life you are living and they have no point of reference for it.

Also, with every new placement of kiddos comes the inevitable basic skills that have to be taught. Toilet training almost-four-year-olds. Sleep training children of all ages. Teaching them to eat with a spoon. Trying to teach children to exist on more than chicken nuggets and fries. Every time I get a new placement, I wonder: how many kids will I toilet train in my life? How many will I sleep train?

This is a life where you willingly hand your heart over to be pulvarized time and time again, knowing full well exactly what is going to happen. A life where every other week, I pull a screaming child out of his crying mother's arms, strap him in a car seat and drive 60 miles away from an exchange that was never part of God's design. All the while, there is a chorus in the back seat of "No mama! Mommy!" Meaning: I do not want you mama Rachel! I want my mommy! Or the unending grief over the kids who have come and gone before. The lack of closure. The not knowing how to grieve because how do you grieve the loss of someone who was never intended to stay and who hasn't passed away? There's the knowledge that often times, you are sending kids back to situations that are not much different than the ones they were taken from.

Here is the clincher: The enemy he doesn't want you to be a foster parent. He doesn't want you to adopt. You will come under attack. Your marriage, your career, your finanaces, and any other area he can get to. You see, Satan is already having his way in these children's lives, their families. His mission is to rip them apart. He hates it when you step in and speak Jesus over them. When you start praying and contending for a family that, maybe, no one else is, he hates that. Orphan care foster care...whatever you want to call it, it is not romantic it is war. A necessary war.

The difference in a year

This picture was taken one year ago today. The day I found out that I had a son. The day on which God fulfilled a promise. Today I finished reading his CPS file. One of the final steps before we get to adopt him. God is so good. There are no words. One year later and I think my heart may burst. All glory to God who works all things together.

Full

Some days the sun catches things a little bit differently and it is just sweeter. I mean when you look around to see what the difference is you can't put your finger on it. Your still scrubbing grease out of the same pan. your kids are still only moderately getting along. You jeans are still too tight. Your bank account is still barely in the black. Your minivan still smells like burning plastic. But none of that matters .Not only does it not matter but you are thankful for it. The bacon grease, the muffin top, the scrappy kids, the stinky van. You put on a Bon Iver song and scrub your pan with your kids fighting in the background, and your heart is so so full that it spills over and out of your eyes. I think this is what it feels like when my eyes are on God, because in the light of Him it is all so much better. When I have these days I think if I can just hold on to this nothing else matters. I know He is always there I just get distracted sometimes, I look away from Him and turn to my circumstances, and when i do that no matter what they are I feel sad, empty, and overwhelmed, and when I turn back I wonder why I ever looked away because He is just so stinking good.

Pray!

If you pray. If you believe at all. If you know Abba Father. If you know Jesus the healer. If you believe that all things are possible with God. If you believe that God is relevant and still works. If you believe at all in miracles...Please read this story and get on your knees petition our good Father to do his thing. I love this family and I am standing with them in faith that God will heal their son!

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Seasons and traditions for the transitional family

To me, the Texas State Fair kind of kicks off the holiday season. I know that is strange, but in my mind it goes: State Fair, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love seasons. Not that they really happen in Texas. I love to celebrate the changing of the seasons. I love holidays. Since I have become a foster parent, they have become somewhat bittersweet. We are coming up on our third holiday season as foster parents. We take different kids to the fair every year.

On Halloween, for the past two years, my family has looked almost completely different, save for Matt and I. Although, for two years in a row, I had a Dora. Two different toddler girls, same costume. I am happy to report that this year there will be no Dora.