When it works

I had some kids leave a while ago. They were my favorite. I know you are not supposed to have favorites, but I do...so there. They were Matt's favorites too, though he will not admit it. I don't have any contact with them, but I do creep on there Mom's facebook. She posted a new picture of them with Santa. They look happy, healthy, clean. They look like they are home. When the system works that's what happens. They go home, they stay there, they thrive there. When the system works they go home to a place that is safer, healthier, and more stable than the one they left. It is the best thing, when families heal. Adoption is a good, but it is a band aid and it leaves definite scars. When the system works they move forward as a family and they don't look back. When the system works you are left holding some pictures and a broken heart. When the system works it is bittersweet for you, but for them it is just sweet. That's what matters not what you are left with, but what they are left with. Not what you want but what they need. That is what being a foster parent is.

It takes a village

It takes a village to raise a foster child. It takes a village to prepare for kids. It takes a village to receive them. To grieve them. To receive some more. To be brave. To give them Christmas. To be obedient. To feed them. To be compassionate. To clothe them. To say goodbye. To celebrate when you don't have to say goodbye. I have the best village. In the last two years we have received thousands of dollars in gift cards, hundreds of items of clothing, hundreds of meals, cakes, prayers, aptly timed olive bread, gallons and gallons of formula, toys,books, your prayers, your support, your friendship. You have dug deep and laid down your lives for us for these kids. We couldn't have done this without you all. So if you have sat next to me while I cried. If you have brought me a meal. If you have dropped a gift card in the mail. If you have prayed for us and our children. If you have babysat. If you have celebrated with us. If you have grieved with us. If you have listened to us rattle of stats about children in the system. You have sharpened us. You have held our heads above water. You have strengthened us. You have been a friend to the orphan. It takes a village to raise a foster parent, and I have the best village.

An Un-Romantic view of foster care

Recently, I was asked to give an unromatic view of foster care. I thought: "well, just come eat dinner at my house. Or, even better - come to a restaurant. But honestly, maybe I do write more about the beautiful or spiritual side of foster care than the hard or ugly parts. I would dare to say that foster care is not romantic at all. You are stepping into a life that reveals the brokeness of the world and of yourself. So here it goes.

It is lonely and isolating sometimes. Especially in a roomful of moms or families. The truth is, you don't ever feel like you completely belong. Your life is similar in so many ways, you may be in the throes of potty training or sleep training, or any other normal parenting issue, but the differences are glaringly obvious and huge. You maybe doing all that only to send the kiddos home in six months and then to start all over again with the next ones. Even the most sensitive and supportive friends sometimes say hurtful things because the truth is: they do not understand the life you are living and they have no point of reference for it.

Also, with every new placement of kiddos comes the inevitable basic skills that have to be taught. Toilet training almost-four-year-olds. Sleep training children of all ages. Teaching them to eat with a spoon. Trying to teach children to exist on more than chicken nuggets and fries. Every time I get a new placement, I wonder: how many kids will I toilet train in my life? How many will I sleep train?

This is a life where you willingly hand your heart over to be pulvarized time and time again, knowing full well exactly what is going to happen. A life where every other week, I pull a screaming child out of his crying mother's arms, strap him in a car seat and drive 60 miles away from an exchange that was never part of God's design. All the while, there is a chorus in the back seat of "No mama! Mommy!" Meaning: I do not want you mama Rachel! I want my mommy! Or the unending grief over the kids who have come and gone before. The lack of closure. The not knowing how to grieve because how do you grieve the loss of someone who was never intended to stay and who hasn't passed away? There's the knowledge that often times, you are sending kids back to situations that are not much different than the ones they were taken from.

Here is the clincher: The enemy he doesn't want you to be a foster parent. He doesn't want you to adopt. You will come under attack. Your marriage, your career, your finanaces, and any other area he can get to. You see, Satan is already having his way in these children's lives, their families. His mission is to rip them apart. He hates it when you step in and speak Jesus over them. When you start praying and contending for a family that, maybe, no one else is, he hates that. Orphan care foster care...whatever you want to call it, it is not romantic it is war. A necessary war.

Please Pray

This will not be an eloquently worded post that will move you....it is just a simple request. We have two new kids coming our way and it is taking a long time because of many things. They are school aged kids and I would love to have some time to get them adjusted to their new home before I throw them into another new enviroment(school). Please pray that we would see movement in this case even today. We believe in prayer. Thank you all for going on this journey with us.

Not Done Yet

Ever since Isaiah arrived, people have been asking: "Are you done now?" "Done with foster care?" "You will just adopt now, right?" "No more in-and-out?" "No more revolving door?" "Just take care of your kids." "You don't need to do that, you have done that already." We have fielded these questions in the last week as we have been informing people that we are not done. The news that there are two kids on the way to our house (albeit SLOWLY) has gotten mixed reviews.
I just want to say this: I have spent a lot of time wrestling with how this may affect my son. I have worried about how he may feel if we have some kids and they leave. I have ached at the thought of his little heart hurting. But God considered that. God loves Isaiah so much more that my broken human self can. He has a plan for Isaiah. A plan for us. His plan is good, and bigger than we can fathom. More than anything, I want Isaiah to grow up to be a man who loves Jesus, a man who loves his people, a man who has a heart for the kingdom of God, a man who will defend the weak, love the poor, and who will spend himself on behalf of the needy in the name of Jesus. I want those things more than Isaiah having his own room, or being the center of attention, or all the toys he wants. I want him to see that a life lived in obedience to his Creator is sacrificial but oh-so-full!
2 Corinthians 9: 8-11 says:
"God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it,

He throws caution to the winds,
giving to the needy in reckless abandon.
His right-living, right-giving ways
never run out, never wear out.

This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God."

So how many kids will we take in? How many will we adopt? When will we stop?
When God says stop, but not until then.

FREE Adoption and Foster Care Conference in the Area

If you or anyone you know is interested in learning more about adoption or foster care. This is a FREE conference with FREE lunch and FREE childcare! And you can ride with us we still have room in the van :)

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Well friends, our plan was to wait until August to go back on the open list for foster care. We didn't even get a chance to go back on the list before our agency called us about some kiddos who have been in care since May and because their foster family is having some extentuating circumsances, the kids are having to move. So here we go again. Time to transition.
I think it is super-ironic that a girl who loves stability, routine, and a plan has been called to a life that is virtually void of any of those. Whenever we go into a new transition, a new placement, some new kiddos, I think am I crazy.
Right now, my life is simple - it's a one-baby-no-bio-visits-sleep-all-night most nights, no-muss, no-fuss life. While this time with Isaiah has been sweet and I am thankful for the 5 months we have had, I have been chomping at the bit to get back into foster care. I know a lot of you may be wondering why. I, myself, wonder why some days.
Friends, there is so much ugliness and darkness in this world. Terrible things happen to people I love dearly and it breaks my heart and I cannot do anything about them. I can't do anything about most of the brokenness in the world. I can't do much of anything of significance for most people. But we can do this. By the grace of God, and only by that, can we do this. So we will.

Someone Loses

Yesterday, we got termination.This means that Isaiah's biological parents' rights were terminated. We are so happy and relieved that this step is over. It is the right thing for Isaiah and it has been clear from the beginning that he belongs with us. However, it is not so black and white.


Adoption is born out of loss and foster care exists because we live in a broken world.


On court dates, I always wonder about Isaiah's birth mother. Does she know what is happening? Does she care? Does she wonder about him? Does she think about him? Did she ignore the notices from the court? Did she not get them? When we got the news yesterday, I was in the store with my mother and I burst into tears of joy and relief. One step closer to being able to call him my own. One step closer to the world acknowledging what is in my heart. It felt like a victory, but in the system in which we function, someone always loses. It felt like we won yesterday. But Isaiah's birth mother lost.


Maybe she wasn't fighting for her son. Maybe the battle that she is losing is a battle with drugs, depression, or some other thing that is stealing the life she was created for. I can't forget that, my heart is heavy for her. I am burdened for her and I think I always will be - because adoption is born out of loss and foster care exists because we live in a broken world, and because of this, days like yesterday are bitter sweet.

Kingdom Come

Throughout this foster care journey, there is one prayer that has been constant: "Your will God, not mine." In the beginning, I will admit - I did not mean it. What I meant was: "Your will - as long as your will aligns with mine." My husband and I would pray "God - do your will in Abby, Panda, Joy, and Thomas' life," silently pleading: "but let them stay, make that your will, do not take them away from us."
Something has begun to shift. It started while Thomas and Joy were still here and it is still shifting. I started to trust Him more. Trust his will more. Trust the goodness of His plan more. Even if it hurts at the time, even if I can't see the reason or the purpose, I am actually starting to believe He has a plan.
Yesterday we found out that the fifteen-year-old who we wanted to adopt is no longer available for adoption. His current foster family, who at first did not want to adopt him (they were just a straight foster family), has changed their mind. This is awesome news. From what we have heard, they have really done wonderful things in his life. Theirs is the home in which he started to believe that he wanted, and was worthy of, a family. So while we are a little disappointed for us, we rejoice for him. This is the shift I am talking about. One year ago, this same news would have angered, saddened, and confused me. Yesterday when I got the call, I was so excited for this kid. He is home. It actually didn't matter all that much to me that it wasn't my home. I thought God's will was done. I don't know why the Lord told us to submit for him. I don't understand why he wasn't ours. But I trust His plan. Even when it means I don't get everything I want.
Last night we were driving home from a training and I was thinking about the Lord's prayer. Specifically, the line that says: "Kingdom come, YOUR will be done." That is when the Kingdom comes. When God's will is done in our lives. When we get out of the way. When we relinquish perceived control. When we put down our agenda. Then we see the kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Mercy and Lemonade

Two of my children are going home. This is hard and it makes me want to detach, it also makes me impatient and testy. They are transitioning home now, which means that they are spending weekends with their mother. This makes them super-hyper, they test boundaries, turn up their volumes , are confused, but it excites them oh-so-much.

The other day, we had an activity planned for the afternoon, a play date with a friend. I picked them up from daycare and as I was in the process of getting the baby out of the baby room, they were running around the hall - screaming, climbing on things, acting downright feral. I blew my top because we have talked endlessly, and they know about how they are to behave when I am getting the baby out of his room. I told them to forget it, we were not going to the play date. I was frustrated and feeling daunted about how they might behave once we got there. I had horrifying visions of wrangling those two while tending to the baby as well. They were so upset, both crying and pleading, I just ignored them and headed home. As I was driving, the Lord said, "Come on, bless them," and I thought: Well, they don't deserve to go - they did not listen to me, they have been acting horribly. Then the thought popped into my head: "Good thing you don't get what you deserve" and with that thought, I turned the car around, went to the Chick-Fil-A drive thru, got each of us a lemonade, and headed to the play date, and said nothing about it. And you know what? They were fabulous, and I had a great time visiting with my friend.

Hear this: I am not condoning not following through with consequences; but I will say: sometimes a little mercy goes a long way. There is a sweetness to not getting what you deserve and to second chances. Sometimes, you can flip the whole day around by loving them up and blessing them unexpectedly.

Also, I now pick the older kids up after the baby, he is heavier but definitely easier to manage.

5 hours or less

When my husband and I were becoming foster parents, I looked all over for sites and books that would talk more about the practicals of foster parenting. I could find all kinds of feely stuff about foster parenting, but what I wanted was a guide to tell me how best to prepare my house and my life for 0-2 children ages 0-6 who are Basic Level care (this is what we were licensed for at the time, now it is 0-4 children ages 0-6. Yikes!) I found nothing so I thought I would write a blog about the things Matt and I do when we are on the open list and how we have prepared for children in five hours or less.



1) Have some funds ready - Unless you are the type to have a car seat and bed and high chair in every size, it is pretty hard to have all the gear because our age range is 5 years. Sometimes we have a stockpile of giftcards or a savings account with some extra money. These kids typically come with nothing so you will need stuff and the state subsidy does not come through for a while. We use this to buy the bigger stuff. For example, when we got the call for our most recent placement, we needed a full size bed and mattress. We had some money saved up and ran to Big Lots and bought one. With our first placement, we had a stock pile of gift cards to go buy 2 car seats and 2 high chairs. We try to replenish the savings, pay off the credit card etc. once their subsidy comes in, but be prepared to spend up front. This is stuff we try to purchase before the kids come. When we get a placement call, we try to find out the childrens' sizes, (even if you only know ages, buy a little bit bigger (easier to fit a kid in pajamas that are too big than too small) We go to the store, get a couple of pairs of pjs, some day clothes, a couple of age appropriate toys (if we don't have any), kid friendly food (chicken tenders, waffles, apple juice) diapers if needed, toothbrushes, etc. This gets us through the first couple of days, because we usually lay low for about two days.

2) Have a "go team" - these are people ready at a moment's notice to bring you stuff you didn't know you needed. With our most recent placement they were both pretty traumatized and were having a hard time speaking. When "T" finally did speak, he said " I want Cars pull ups"...And so you shall have them. I wanted him to know that this was a place where he would be provided for and that he could communicate wants and needs and that he would not be punished. So we texted the Shackletts, and as always, they came through in the clutch. Your "go team" should be people who are ok with dropping stuff on the porch, passing it through a door and not being invited in to meet the kids just yet. We find it important to limit visitors the first couple of days so as to not overwhelm the already traumatized kiddos. Ideally, this group of people is small and geographically close and have been told that you are expecting a placement (i.e. family, close friends).

3) Tell people - When we get a placement, we tell our community (through text messages, facebook, and email). We are incerdibly blessed to have a huge community that belives in and supports our ministry in foster care. There are a few practical reasons, yet mainly this is for spiritual and emotional provision. When we got the call that T and J were being removed, we were told that the situation had become volatile that the children were barricaded in the house and that police were involved in the removal. I sent out a text to our close friends and family and they immediatly started praying. Each time we have had a placement, we have had our community praying for the children and for us during the time of transition. We belive this is vital to our success as foster parents. It has also been been crucial to tell our community because they have cleaned out their childrens toys and clothing, they have provided meals, giftcards, formula, diapers, and other supplies. This helps during those first days of transitioning children into our family. It so helpful to not have to worry about the practicals, every time a child has come to say in our home, I have been floored by the outpouring of love, support and provision.

4) Receive - Be willing to accept help, to accept items that are needed, and maybe even not needed at the time. Not everyone is called to be a foster parent, but allowing others to help, receiving their blessing allows them to be a part of your ministry in a major way. We always marvel at how our friends and family show up for us and for the kids we are caring for. I honestly don't know if we could do this without the community that we have!

I know this is not an exhaustive list of everything that could be done to prepare but it is what has helped us. Feel free to add any other suggestions in the Comments. I would love to hear them! Also ask any questions you think of.

Kingdom Stuff

For the past two years we have had the privilege of attending our foster agency Kornerstone's Christmas party. This is an interesting celebration comprised of a show choir , some awkward MC-ing (is this a word?), chicken wings, the Rangers mascot, and foster families of all shapes and sizes. The last thing on that list is what makes it special. I know that the life we have been called to is not the norm and because of that it can get kinda lonely. People don't understand. In public strangers stare at you. Your friends say things like "But don't you want kids?" as you have three attached to your body. I am not saying this to get pity don't get me wrong I want NO other life, but sometimes it is lonely. But for 3 hours a year in Pantego, Texas we are part of the norm. I look around the room and see all these families a potpourri of colors, many with kids who have disabilities, and no one is staring, no gaping mouth's, or whispering, or glances, or insensitive questions and for that 3 hours I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I don't have to bite my tongue and pray for grace because these people get it. They look around and see what I see. That maybe the table we are sitting at looks like The banquet table. Maybe for that 3 hours Kingdom comes on earth as it is in heaven.