Foster care is inconvient

It's true. Things in "the system" are slow and done poorly. It is frustrating. You feel like you are always swimming up stream. Picking up someone else's slack. Cleaning up someone else's mess.


I have had a ton of experiences this week that have been so frustrating my head could explode. I have regretted my choice to continue foster care. I have questioned my sanity. I have been sleep-deprived and stressed out. I have been afraid and frustrated and anxious. I have said out loud "Why do we do this?" (not in front of the kids, to clarify). Matt says: "We say yes to kids". That is true, that is part of it. In the quiet moments, God says to my spirit: "Because I asked you to...and you say yes to ME."


It is true - a couple of years ago, I asked a friend: what if I stepped out of the game of chasing the house, the 2.5 kids, the new appliances, and started asking God what He wanted me to do, and then try to do it? Well, I have tried to do that ever since. Clarification: this is not because I am a good person. I am selfish, short-tempered; I like money, new clothes, my own agenda; I am prideful and judgy, just to name a few. This life is so hard sometimes. I hate living paycheck-to-paycheck. I like sleep. I HATE dealing with the system. I hate having no control. Trust me, this is not the plan I had...but I am so thankful for it.Because I know myself well enough to know that comfort is bad for my spirit. Sometimes it is easy for me to try to shirk the calling. I think: this isn't my job. This is not MY problem, not my kid. Then the Holy Spirit speaks to me and says "What you do for these kids, you do for Jesus." And my eyes well up with tears convicted, humbled, and grateful that Jesus would ask me for a glass of milk. That He would want me to read Him a book. That he would want to cuddle on my lap.


Pray for me. Pray that I might have grace and joy to do what has been asked, because without that sent from the Father, I am terrible at this.