Thursday, July 28, 2011

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Well friends, our plan was to wait until August to go back on the open list for foster care. We didn't even get a chance to go back on the list before our agency called us about some kiddos who have been in care since May and because their foster family is having some extentuating circumsances, the kids are having to move. So here we go again. Time to transition.
I think it is super-ironic that a girl who loves stability, routine, and a plan has been called to a life that is virtually void of any of those. Whenever we go into a new transition, a new placement, some new kiddos, I think am I crazy.
Right now, my life is simple - it's a one-baby-no-bio-visits-sleep-all-night most nights, no-muss, no-fuss life. While this time with Isaiah has been sweet and I am thankful for the 5 months we have had, I have been chomping at the bit to get back into foster care. I know a lot of you may be wondering why. I, myself, wonder why some days.
Friends, there is so much ugliness and darkness in this world. Terrible things happen to people I love dearly and it breaks my heart and I cannot do anything about them. I can't do anything about most of the brokenness in the world. I can't do much of anything of significance for most people. But we can do this. By the grace of God, and only by that, can we do this. So we will.

Friday, July 15, 2011

A Different Kind of Maternal

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine from the foster community the other day and we were talking about the differences we share. She was talking about never having that uterus twitch, and we were talking about seasons in our life when neither of us were even sure that we wanted children...
The uncertainty makes you question if that means you won't be a good mother. You ask yourself: "Am I nurturing?" You wonder if you are missing out, you wonder if you are depriving your husband of some experience, and you wonder if these are flaws.
Before I started fostering, I asked all these questions. Then, on a trip to Chicago, I was holding my friend's baby. A baby in a loving home who had had everything she needed before and since birth. And her mother said something about me being maternal. I laughed inside. I didn't feel maternal and it got me thinking and wondering about that. What if I'm not maternal? Then I thought about it some more. I thought about kids. I have been around a lot of them because of my job. The kids that I am drawn to, the kids I want to take home, are the kids whose parents forget to pick them up. The kids you can tell are starved for structure and attention. The kids who are one step from fostercare.
That is where my maternal instinct lies.
God made me this way. Made me to love the underdog. Made me to understand that behavior is communication. Made me to love Cabbage Patch Kids with their adoption certificate and the movie Annie as a child. Made me as a teen and young adult to dream not about my wedding day, or being pregnant, or graduating college; but standing in front of a judge, with a child who looks nothing like me, declaring them mine. God made me to be who I am so Isaiah (and the other children who I parent for a time or forever) can be who they are to be. When we walk out our God-given identity, our destiny, and that of the people around us, is ushered in.
"...on Earth, as it is in Heaven..."

Someone Loses

Yesterday, we got termination.This means that Isaiah's biological parents' rights were terminated. We are so happy and relieved that this step is over. It is the right thing for Isaiah and it has been clear from the beginning that he belongs with us. However, it is not so black and white.

Adoption is born out of loss and foster care exists because we live in a broken world.

On court dates, I always wonder about Isaiah's birth mother. Does she know what is happening? Does she care? Does she wonder about him? Does she think about him? Did she ignore the notices from the court? Did she not get them? When we got the news yesterday, I was in the store with my mother and I burst into tears of joy and relief. One step closer to being able to call him my own. One step closer to the world acknowledging what is in my heart. It felt like a victory, but in the system in which we function, someone always loses. It felt like we won yesterday. But Isaiah's birth mother lost.

Maybe she wasn't fighting for her son. Maybe the battle that she is losing is a battle with drugs, depression, or some other thing that is stealing the life she was created for. I can't forget that, my heart is heavy for her. I am burdened for her and I think I always will be - because adoption is born out of loss and foster care exists because we live in a broken world, and because of this, days like yesterday are bitter sweet.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Better with multiples

I have been struggling with something. I feel like I am a better mom with multiple kids. This is the first time in my parenting life when I have had one child. At first I really liked it. It was like a vacation. Now it feels like I have been in Vegas for too long or something. I am getting restless. I miss the chaos. It's too quiet. I just feel like I am a better mom with multiple kiddos around. Don't get me wrong I am cherishing this time with Isaiah. I know I will never get it back, but honestly folks I am ready to have some more. Call me crazy...or just pray for wisdom and guidance for us for when and to whom to say yes.

Monday, July 4, 2011

All about Isaiah 1 year old!

You are a year old now and I cannot believe it. You are changing so much every day and I wish I could slow it down. But here are some facts about you.

Food: well you are basically vegan now. Fruits and veggies are your favorites. You are over the crackers now. Every once in a while I can get you to eat fish and cheese and maybe if I am lucky chicken.

Activities- You are SUPER busy! You move all day long. You love water and search it out as often as possible whether that be the toilet or the dog bowl you love it. We go to the spray park at least once a week and you have a blast! You are not afraid of any of it. You also have started pushing stuff that rolls you push my old red barbie car around on your knees, you push the grocery cart around while you stand up. You love dancing and playing your new guitar toy that you got for your birthday!

Things that make you laugh- still wrestling, when your Daddy holds you and jumps

New stuff- sticking our your tongue. so funny because I will stick mine out at you then you stick yours out and feel it with your hands to make sure it is the same. you have also said dog and ball.

Things that make me swoon- your feet are always crossed at the ankles when you are sitting, when you are sleeping in your crib, even when you are standing and holding onto something. You have gotten to be a little more affectionate , while you will never be a cuddly baby (you are too busy for that!) You have started giving little hugs and kisses.