"I am just ready to know, ya know?" said Kiki, my fellow trauma mama. She was referring to the status of her current foster kids' case. I laughed and responded and said, "Yeah, I know. I've been waiting to know for about three and a half years."
We both laughed and joked that maybe we were living the wrong kind of lives for that, for knowing. Because our families have been called into this ministry where we never really know. We never know who is coming or who is going. Or if, after they are gone, they are safe. Or if they are okay. And by "okay" I don't just mean fed and clothed and what not.
But these babies we love and send back out, are they gonna really be okay? In their souls, their hearts, in their spirits? Will they know Jesus? Will they know love? Will they finish school? Will they be loved? Will someone help them with math? Will someone teach them to tie their shoes? Will someone tell them how valuable they are every day? Or will they carry on a cycle of poverty, of drug addiction, abuse, or prostitution? But will they somehow rise above it? Will their parents rise above it?
Questions, mountains of questions.
Then, as soon as you know the answer to one, as soon as you know that one is staying or this one is going, you don't know something else.
Who is on their way to you? What are they going through right now? Have they even been born yet? Are they safe? Are they being neglected? Are they being abused? Are they living in a hotel? Are they living in a car? Are they hungry? Are they scared? Is there someone watching who knows something is wrong? Will they report?
Questions pulling trailers of questions.
I have been thinking lately and maybe foster care answers only one question for me. And that is: Is God or Is He not? I can say for certain since we followed Him down this road years ago that He is. So if He IS, which I believe, then He is also loving, caring, faithful, a conqueror, a savior, a friend, a redeemer, and a Father. HE IS.
Maybe that is the only question I need to be answered. I am not saying this from a place of being worry-free about Supreme Court appeals, the kids coming my way next, or the kids who have moved on, or the impact of all this on my sons. My flesh can spiral into the whirlpool of questions.
Something in my spirit says HE IS, and because HE IS, all of the other questions - no matter their answers or how they turn out, will be redeemed. I don't know much, but I know that HE IS...HE IS... And maybe that is the only answer I need.
At least for today.