God Is With Us

We got THE call again. You know - the big call for adoptive parents. The one that says you were picked to be a little boy or girl's forever parent. The first time we got the call, it went like this.

Our new son's name is Emmanuel. Emmanuel means God is with us. He is 22 months old and he is beautiful.

Here's where it began for him. About a year ago, last February, we were considering a legal-risk placement named Miracle. On the intial email we got about her, there was info about another child in her foster home named Emmanuel - which is unusual. Ultimately, we didn't get picked for Miracle. We moved on and continued submitting for and pursuing adoptions as they came up. We started feeling like maybe the next child we were going to adopt would be a teenager, so we started pursuing teens.
Flash forward to February of this year.
We had just submitted for a 14 year-old named Will and I got an email from my adoption caseworker about a child named Emmanuel which asked: "Is this the same Emmanuel who was with Miracle?" It was. They hadn't found him a home. On a whim, I told her to submit us, thinking nothing of it. We submit for adoptive placements as often as we change underwear. Seriously. We have NEVER been picked for one; even Isaiah was a foster placement.

Weeks went by and we heard from Will's caseworker. They wanted to move forward with us. The next step was a selection staffing which is a meeting where everyone discloses more info about the child and everyone has the opportunity to ask more questions. My caseworker had said to us: "If you move forward and end up getting Will, you will not be able to move forward with Emmanuel." We felt peaceful about that. We believe God brings the right kids, at the right time and for the right amount of time. We went into that Tuesday selection staffing thinking we were submitting for a fairly typical teenager who had been in fostercare. This turned out to not be the case as the meeting disclosed some shocking info. We were heartbroken about his story, but ultimately did not feel that he would be a good fit.
The very next day, we got a call that we were chosen to go to Emmanuel's selection staffing the following Tuesday. Tuesday came and we waited and prayed. I didn't even realize how much I wanted him until I was faced with the possibility of not getting him. On my way to get my foster daughter from school, on the side walk pushing Isaiah in a stroller, and holding the hand of my foster son - halfway between my house and the school - my caseworkers called me on speaker to tell me that Isaiah would have a brother. And that I would be a forever mom again. I cried right there on the sidewalk. Humbled and awed by the plan that God has for me and my family. Cried from thankfulness that God is with us, and He just gave us a daily reminder.

It is only a season...It is all a gift (my current mantra)

This life, this season, where I am right now...I have a tendency to bless it and curse it in the same breath.
The other day, I was walking into the CPS office with my kids - foster and adopted - so they (fosters) could have a bio visit. There was a little boy crying and crying, his foster dad was stoically putting him in the car while the boy's bio mom stood behind the dad and cried. The boy kept saying, "I don't wanna leave!" I thought, I hate this place. Hate that I know these things happen, and by know, I mean I've been the foster mom stoically putting the screaming kid in the car. Hate that I can't unknow. Hate all of it. Hate that I'm dealing with baggage other people packed. Hate how it inconveniences me and affects my family.
Then, that afternoon as my husband was teaching our foster daughter memory verses, and Isaiah and my foster son were playing peacefully (rare). I was humbled that this is what I get to do with my time, my resources, my heart. Sometimes I am drowning, sometimes I am swimming. It's all a gift. The two foster kids who we have now are hard. This placement is hard. It has taken a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and seven months to get to where we are. And by the way, on a good day, where we are is still as uncomfortable as a pair of cheap shoes. When I complain about it, some people have said: "Well, this is what you wanted." So, let me be clear...this is what I want. Even when I feel like I am drowning, this is what I want, because in radical obedience to Jesus, the blessing always outweighs the burden.
It is only a season. I am trying to learn to unclench my fist and let God complete the work. It is only a season. To open my hands and recieve just what it is that he has. It is all a gift. Because my hope is in Jesus I know that it is a long hard road (season) with a good, good end (gift).

All about Isaiah 20 months

I decided to do something different this month for Isaiah. I am going to do 20 things I love about you at twenty months.
1) Your dancing - You dance all the time. Yesterday we walked into a restaurant and you dug the beat and just busted a move as soon as you heard it. You make your toys play music and dance. If one of your shows plays some music that you like you run to where ever I am and show me your moves. Love this!

2) All your new language. I love this stage of development it is my favorite! You say baby, horse, mama, Matt, Bubba, Nana, apple, horse, bye bye, night night, love you, nose, mouth, shoes, sock, and so much more.

3) Watching you eat a whole apple.

4) The way your nose wrinkles up when you smell something. Which you do all the time.

5) When you pray. You fold your hands up by your face and mumble some stuff then say "Amen"

6) When you jump you say "1,2,3!" then you jump and it is stinking cute.

7) That you call your Dada "Matt" ( he doesn't love this but I think its cute)

8) Your laugh is addicting. Always has been, always will be. End of story.

9) How when you really love a food you eat very aggressively and say "nom nom nom"

10) You wink ..it is really more of a blink...but your flirting

11) Your name... on your birth certificate... and that my name is on there too

12) Your kisses opened mouth, rare, and amazing

13) Your love of products especially body butter which you ask for by name "bobba bubba"

14) That when you fall asleep in the car you put your arms above your head and cross your ankles

15) You skip:) all the time

16) That when you see a dinosaur, a lion, or a pig you ROAR!

17) How when you really want something you whisper it

18) When you shush people it's kind of hilarious because you are so stinking loud.

19) You are a really beautiful kid

20) That you are mine and honestly if I could have handpicked your traits they would be all the ones you have. Funny, fast, strong, couragoeous, joyful, and stubborn.

Yesterday one of my friends kiddos said "Whenever I see Isaiah's face it is happy" I love that! Son you keep me on my toes and keep me laughing and keep me praying, and dancing, and doing all the things I should. You make me better at being me, I hope I can do the same for you.

Toeing the Line

For my whole walk as a Christian I feel like I have toed the line on "radical". I want a radically changed life but I don't want to radically change my life. I long to experience the move of the Holy Spirit but I don't want to clear out all the junk to make room for Him to do that. I feel itchy restless and distracted. I sit down to have some time with he Lord and my mind wanders, my phone beeps, a think about birthday parties, sweaters, bills, pintrest, paper work, and dinner. I call my attention back to my God again and again and finally get up frustrated that I can't keep my attention on the King of the Universe, my Creator for even 5 minutes at a time. I have felt God nudging me for years to give up this or fast from this, and get this, I put Him off. That's right I put off God. I think well I am a foster parent that is radical enough. But the bible says :
Matthew 16:25
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

So I'm gonna try this year to uncurl my fingers one by one from the grip on all these pretty little things that I love so much. These things that keep me comfortable and distracted from seeing and hearing God clearly. I am excited and hopeful and scared; but I am ready for a radically changed life for a radically changed heart.

When it works

I had some kids leave a while ago. They were my favorite. I know you are not supposed to have favorites, but I do...so there. They were Matt's favorites too, though he will not admit it. I don't have any contact with them, but I do creep on there Mom's facebook. She posted a new picture of them with Santa. They look happy, healthy, clean. They look like they are home. When the system works that's what happens. They go home, they stay there, they thrive there. When the system works they go home to a place that is safer, healthier, and more stable than the one they left. It is the best thing, when families heal. Adoption is a good, but it is a band aid and it leaves definite scars. When the system works they move forward as a family and they don't look back. When the system works you are left holding some pictures and a broken heart. When the system works it is bittersweet for you, but for them it is just sweet. That's what matters not what you are left with, but what they are left with. Not what you want but what they need. That is what being a foster parent is.

It takes a village

It takes a village to raise a foster child. It takes a village to prepare for kids. It takes a village to receive them. To grieve them. To receive some more. To be brave. To give them Christmas. To be obedient. To feed them. To be compassionate. To clothe them. To say goodbye. To celebrate when you don't have to say goodbye. I have the best village. In the last two years we have received thousands of dollars in gift cards, hundreds of items of clothing, hundreds of meals, cakes, prayers, aptly timed olive bread, gallons and gallons of formula, toys,books, your prayers, your support, your friendship. You have dug deep and laid down your lives for us for these kids. We couldn't have done this without you all. So if you have sat next to me while I cried. If you have brought me a meal. If you have dropped a gift card in the mail. If you have prayed for us and our children. If you have babysat. If you have celebrated with us. If you have grieved with us. If you have listened to us rattle of stats about children in the system. You have sharpened us. You have held our heads above water. You have strengthened us. You have been a friend to the orphan. It takes a village to raise a foster parent, and I have the best village.

17 months- All about Isaiah

Big things have been happening in your life this month! For one you were officially adopted on November 18, 2011. We are so blessed and happy that you are legally ours!

I keep telling your Dad that it's as if you became a boy this month. You no longer seem like a baby to me. It is so exciting to watch you develop and learn every day! It also makes me a little sad and long for you to be a baby again. It floors me to think about last Christmas and what you were like then. So tiny and serious, you are a totally different kid!



Food- You still prefer fruit and veggies to meat. You like bread but not like sandwich bread, you like rolls, cheddar biscuits, french bread, muffins. Your new thing that you love is feeding yourself with a spoon. One day you just started doing it ,you are really good at it. You also love chips, if you see one and have food in your mouth you take the food out to make room for the chip.

Activities- I cannot stress this enough...you are BUSY! You mostly run around all day getting into one kind of mischief or another. Your most recent favorite is to take candy canes off the Christmas tree. I find you crouched in the corner with a chewed up candy cane still in the wrapper in your mouth. You still love wrestling and being thrown around. You love playgrounds and have started going down the slide by yourself. You still love books and are starting to get into blocks all though they make you very frustrated. You also love bath time. You have started pretending to talk on the phone also.

Things that make you laugh- Yourself! You crack yourself up! When you do you laugh this deep laugh. I love it. Covering your head with a blanket and walking around running into things

New stuff- TALKING! You say block, ball, book, bath, nana, nono, mama, dada,hi, and bye. You also imitate your foster brother and say "I want milk" (kinda)

I have to pause and say you are a good looking kid!



Stuff that makes me swoon- kisses love 'em, your new found ability to flirt (mostly with your foster brothers speech therapist) you pretend to fall down and roll around and make yourself cute, sometimes when I can get you to lay still and let me hold you, but really your whole self from the fits, to the silliness, to the sweetness. You are the whole package kid. Love you more everyday!

P.S.- All pictures by Mary Beth Sudan. LOVE HER!