Tomorrow, Thomas and Joy are leaving. These are the kids I have fostered for the last 11 1/2 months. Also, today is my last day as a Special Education teacher - a job I have had in one form or another for the last - I dunno - 15 years.
I am feeling a lot of things right now, including, but not limited to: excitement, fear, sadness, regret, and loneliness. For the last month or so leading up to today, I have tried my damndest to hold it together. I have poured food on top these feelings, avoided talking about these things with the people that love me, plastered on a smile, and said things like: "It's what we signed up for" (referring to fostering, and T and J leaving), and "I'm really excited" (referring to leaving my job) and while those things are true, they are a mere fraction of a fraction of the truth.
The truth is: We did sign up for foster care; but we also have fallen madly in love with these kids. They are going back home and that is good, but it isn't entirely stable. I know the Lord has a plan, but it breaks my heart that I won't see them again after tomorrow. I will miss Thomas’ quirks and rigidity, and Joy’s sassiness.
The truth is: you pour blood, sweat, and tears into these kids, you pour love in. You provide stability; you spend yourself trying to undo everything that has been done. Then you send them off, hoping against hope, that it is enough. You pray that they remember love, that you have given enough to last. You dream about seeing them again, but pray they don't have to come back, because that means things never really got better.
The truth is: I am excited about staying at home with Isaiah, but I am also afraid. Afraid of how we are going to be financially. Afraid that I won't be a good stay-at-home mom. I love my job. I am good at my job. My job is safe, I know who I am with my job. Working with individuals with disabilities has defined so much of who I am for so long. I am also sad. I LOVE the people with whom I work. I have been with them every day, every week, for almost three years. I will miss laughing and working with them.
If you know me, you may not know any of this - you may think I am at peace and excited about this new season, this transition, and I am; but that is only a fraction of a fraction of what I am feeling. I am good at stuffing my feelings deep down inside. I avoid situations and people in front of whom I will fall apart. I skipped church on Sunday because I didn't want to be the girl sobbing in the second row. It took me 5 minutes to get out of the car at my LifeGroup (I even told Matt “I don't want to be here”) because I knew I would lose it - (and I did). All of this stuffing, and bearing down so hard, has resulted in a five pound weight gain and full-body hives. And guess what? I'm lonely. I don't want to do it alone, but I don't want to be vulnerable, and I don't want to be perceived as weak. So last night I got in the shower got on my hands and knees and cried body wrenching sobs over the drain. Cause if you try to hold it together it comes out anyways through hives, or snappy short temper or night mares, and if you just let it go and fall apart that's when Glory falls; in the shower covered in hives crying into the drain.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sacred
We were supposed to go to church this morning but I woke up tired and sad. So we stayed home. I bathed my baby, we went on a walk just the three of us, I took a nap before nine, ate blueberry cobbler for lunch (I know this is recurring bear with me it's a grief thing). After all that I feel a little more healed, a little more whole. The sacred in the mundane. Slow down breath, talk a little less, listen a little more. It's there.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Random Ramblings
I didn't have a cutesy alliterated title for this blog post, or one that at least rhymed, but I'm not good at cutesy. I sent it to my husband to proof read and he came up with the title , he on the other hand is way cutesy. So here are some things that have stuck out lately.
*This morning my two-year-old foster child as we were pulling out of the driveway said "Rachel why is Matt not kissing you?" I thought Good Question. So I rolled down the window and asked him the same thing. He laid one on me. I love that my foster children are learning a new norm about marriage and male/female relationships.
* Yesterday, my two-year-old foster child looked at me and said "You are not my momma, you are my Rachel." This was sweet and sad and painful all at the same time. She knows she is going home, she is becoming more attached to her momma.This is good but it hurts a little too.
*I have six days left at my job. This makes me feel nervous, excited, hopeful, and scared all at the same time.
*My foster children that I have had for almost a year are leaving the day I leave my job. Isn't life ironic?
* I feel like I should be sadder about the fact that they are leaving, I fear it is gonna hit me like a ton of bricks.
* In the last two days, my four-year-old foster son has told me that he can change his eye color, that his tears are coming because "I told them to", and that panda bears will evolve to have dragon wings.
*In the last week, I have consumed probably half of a blueberry dump cake (with ice cream) and I plan on making another one this weekend. Wanna guess what one of my top coping skills is?
*When I wear belts high and at my waist, people ask if I have lost weight, I smile and say "I do not think so but thank you" and my blueberry dumpcake filled tummy laughs as I walk away.
*I have changed some things about my blog lay-out that should make it easier to comment and subscribe. I would LOVE to hear from you if you are reading.
*This morning my two-year-old foster child as we were pulling out of the driveway said "Rachel why is Matt not kissing you?" I thought Good Question. So I rolled down the window and asked him the same thing. He laid one on me. I love that my foster children are learning a new norm about marriage and male/female relationships.
* Yesterday, my two-year-old foster child looked at me and said "You are not my momma, you are my Rachel." This was sweet and sad and painful all at the same time. She knows she is going home, she is becoming more attached to her momma.This is good but it hurts a little too.
*I have six days left at my job. This makes me feel nervous, excited, hopeful, and scared all at the same time.
*My foster children that I have had for almost a year are leaving the day I leave my job. Isn't life ironic?
* I feel like I should be sadder about the fact that they are leaving, I fear it is gonna hit me like a ton of bricks.
* In the last two days, my four-year-old foster son has told me that he can change his eye color, that his tears are coming because "I told them to", and that panda bears will evolve to have dragon wings.
*In the last week, I have consumed probably half of a blueberry dump cake (with ice cream) and I plan on making another one this weekend. Wanna guess what one of my top coping skills is?
*When I wear belts high and at my waist, people ask if I have lost weight, I smile and say "I do not think so but thank you" and my blueberry dumpcake filled tummy laughs as I walk away.
*I have changed some things about my blog lay-out that should make it easier to comment and subscribe. I would LOVE to hear from you if you are reading.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Mercy and Lemonade
Two of my children are going home. This is hard and it makes me want to detach, it also makes me impatient and testy. They are transitioning home now, which means that they are spending weekends with their mother. This makes them super-hyper, they test boundaries, turn up their volumes , are confused, but it excites them oh-so-much.
The other day, we had an activity planned for the afternoon, a play date with a friend. I picked them up from daycare and as I was in the process of getting the baby out of the baby room, they were running around the hall - screaming, climbing on things, acting downright feral. I blew my top because we have talked endlessly, and they know about how they are to behave when I am getting the baby out of his room. I told them to forget it, we were not going to the play date. I was frustrated and feeling daunted about how they might behave once we got there. I had horrifying visions of wrangling those two while tending to the baby as well. They were so upset, both crying and pleading, I just ignored them and headed home. As I was driving, the Lord said, "Come on, bless them," and I thought: Well, they don't deserve to go - they did not listen to me, they have been acting horribly. Then the thought popped into my head: "Good thing you don't get what you deserve" and with that thought, I turned the car around, went to the Chick-Fil-A drive thru, got each of us a lemonade, and headed to the play date, and said nothing about it. And you know what? They were fabulous, and I had a great time visiting with my friend.
Hear this: I am not condoning not following through with consequences; but I will say: sometimes a little mercy goes a long way. There is a sweetness to not getting what you deserve and to second chances. Sometimes, you can flip the whole day around by loving them up and blessing them unexpectedly.
Also, I now pick the older kids up after the baby, he is heavier but definitely easier to manage.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Orange Chicken (feeding the kids)
I am posting about chicken because I can't post about what is happening in our home right now.The children we have been fostering for the last year are about to go home prayers are appreciated. I don't know what to say about it yet... So I am posting an easy recipe that my kids love. I got this recipe from Blair Kaiser, I don't think she has a blog but if she did I would definitely read it.
Chicken breasts - tenderized (beaten with a mallet) I cut mine into bite sized pieces
Dredge in 1 cup flour 1 tbs paprika & salt & pepper to liking
Sauté chicken in olive oil 3 to 4 mins per side
Add 1 1/2 cup orange juice to pan (with chicken) - bring to a boil, cover & reduce heat - cook for 15 mins
Take chicken out, turn up heat & reduce the liquid to a yummy sauce
Pour over chicken when ready!!Great with yellow mahatma rice!!!!
Should have taken a picture but it was gone too quick! I served this with the yellow rice as suggested and some stir fry vegetables.
Enjoy!
Chicken breasts - tenderized (beaten with a mallet) I cut mine into bite sized pieces
Dredge in 1 cup flour 1 tbs paprika & salt & pepper to liking
Sauté chicken in olive oil 3 to 4 mins per side
Add 1 1/2 cup orange juice to pan (with chicken) - bring to a boil, cover & reduce heat - cook for 15 mins
Take chicken out, turn up heat & reduce the liquid to a yummy sauce
Pour over chicken when ready!!Great with yellow mahatma rice!!!!
Should have taken a picture but it was gone too quick! I served this with the yellow rice as suggested and some stir fry vegetables.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
5 hours or less
When my husband and I were becoming foster parents, I looked all over for sites and books that would talk more about the practicals of foster parenting. I could find all kinds of feely stuff about foster parenting, but what I wanted was a guide to tell me how best to prepare my house and my life for 0-2 children ages 0-6 who are Basic Level care (this is what we were licensed for at the time, now it is 0-4 children ages 0-6. Yikes!) I found nothing so I thought I would write a blog about the things Matt and I do when we are on the open list and how we have prepared for children in five hours or less.
1) Have some funds ready - Unless you are the type to have a car seat and bed and high chair in every size, it is pretty hard to have all the gear because our age range is 5 years. Sometimes we have a stockpile of giftcards or a savings account with some extra money. These kids typically come with nothing so you will need stuff and the state subsidy does not come through for a while. We use this to buy the bigger stuff. For example, when we got the call for our most recent placement, we needed a full size bed and mattress. We had some money saved up and ran to Big Lots and bought one. With our first placement, we had a stock pile of gift cards to go buy 2 car seats and 2 high chairs. We try to replenish the savings, pay off the credit card etc. once their subsidy comes in, but be prepared to spend up front. This is stuff we try to purchase before the kids come. When we get a placement call, we try to find out the childrens' sizes, (even if you only know ages, buy a little bit bigger (easier to fit a kid in pajamas that are too big than too small) We go to the store, get a couple of pairs of pjs, some day clothes, a couple of age appropriate toys (if we don't have any), kid friendly food (chicken tenders, waffles, apple juice) diapers if needed, toothbrushes, etc. This gets us through the first couple of days, because we usually lay low for about two days.
2) Have a "go team" - these are people ready at a moment's notice to bring you stuff you didn't know you needed. With our most recent placement they were both pretty traumatized and were having a hard time speaking. When "T" finally did speak, he said " I want Cars pull ups"...And so you shall have them. I wanted him to know that this was a place where he would be provided for and that he could communicate wants and needs and that he would not be punished. So we texted the Shackletts, and as always, they came through in the clutch. Your "go team" should be people who are ok with dropping stuff on the porch, passing it through a door and not being invited in to meet the kids just yet. We find it important to limit visitors the first couple of days so as to not overwhelm the already traumatized kiddos. Ideally, this group of people is small and geographically close and have been told that you are expecting a placement (i.e. family, close friends).
3) Tell people - When we get a placement, we tell our community (through text messages, facebook, and email). We are incerdibly blessed to have a huge community that belives in and supports our ministry in foster care. There are a few practical reasons, yet mainly this is for spiritual and emotional provision. When we got the call that T and J were being removed, we were told that the situation had become volatile that the children were barricaded in the house and that police were involved in the removal. I sent out a text to our close friends and family and they immediatly started praying. Each time we have had a placement, we have had our community praying for the children and for us during the time of transition. We belive this is vital to our success as foster parents. It has also been been crucial to tell our community because they have cleaned out their childrens toys and clothing, they have provided meals, giftcards, formula, diapers, and other supplies. This helps during those first days of transitioning children into our family. It so helpful to not have to worry about the practicals, every time a child has come to say in our home, I have been floored by the outpouring of love, support and provision.
4) Receive - Be willing to accept help, to accept items that are needed, and maybe even not needed at the time. Not everyone is called to be a foster parent, but allowing others to help, receiving their blessing allows them to be a part of your ministry in a major way. We always marvel at how our friends and family show up for us and for the kids we are caring for. I honestly don't know if we could do this without the community that we have!
I know this is not an exhaustive list of everything that could be done to prepare but it is what has helped us. Feel free to add any other suggestions in the Comments. I would love to hear them! Also ask any questions you think of.
1) Have some funds ready - Unless you are the type to have a car seat and bed and high chair in every size, it is pretty hard to have all the gear because our age range is 5 years. Sometimes we have a stockpile of giftcards or a savings account with some extra money. These kids typically come with nothing so you will need stuff and the state subsidy does not come through for a while. We use this to buy the bigger stuff. For example, when we got the call for our most recent placement, we needed a full size bed and mattress. We had some money saved up and ran to Big Lots and bought one. With our first placement, we had a stock pile of gift cards to go buy 2 car seats and 2 high chairs. We try to replenish the savings, pay off the credit card etc. once their subsidy comes in, but be prepared to spend up front. This is stuff we try to purchase before the kids come. When we get a placement call, we try to find out the childrens' sizes, (even if you only know ages, buy a little bit bigger (easier to fit a kid in pajamas that are too big than too small) We go to the store, get a couple of pairs of pjs, some day clothes, a couple of age appropriate toys (if we don't have any), kid friendly food (chicken tenders, waffles, apple juice) diapers if needed, toothbrushes, etc. This gets us through the first couple of days, because we usually lay low for about two days.
2) Have a "go team" - these are people ready at a moment's notice to bring you stuff you didn't know you needed. With our most recent placement they were both pretty traumatized and were having a hard time speaking. When "T" finally did speak, he said " I want Cars pull ups"...And so you shall have them. I wanted him to know that this was a place where he would be provided for and that he could communicate wants and needs and that he would not be punished. So we texted the Shackletts, and as always, they came through in the clutch. Your "go team" should be people who are ok with dropping stuff on the porch, passing it through a door and not being invited in to meet the kids just yet. We find it important to limit visitors the first couple of days so as to not overwhelm the already traumatized kiddos. Ideally, this group of people is small and geographically close and have been told that you are expecting a placement (i.e. family, close friends).
3) Tell people - When we get a placement, we tell our community (through text messages, facebook, and email). We are incerdibly blessed to have a huge community that belives in and supports our ministry in foster care. There are a few practical reasons, yet mainly this is for spiritual and emotional provision. When we got the call that T and J were being removed, we were told that the situation had become volatile that the children were barricaded in the house and that police were involved in the removal. I sent out a text to our close friends and family and they immediatly started praying. Each time we have had a placement, we have had our community praying for the children and for us during the time of transition. We belive this is vital to our success as foster parents. It has also been been crucial to tell our community because they have cleaned out their childrens toys and clothing, they have provided meals, giftcards, formula, diapers, and other supplies. This helps during those first days of transitioning children into our family. It so helpful to not have to worry about the practicals, every time a child has come to say in our home, I have been floored by the outpouring of love, support and provision.
4) Receive - Be willing to accept help, to accept items that are needed, and maybe even not needed at the time. Not everyone is called to be a foster parent, but allowing others to help, receiving their blessing allows them to be a part of your ministry in a major way. We always marvel at how our friends and family show up for us and for the kids we are caring for. I honestly don't know if we could do this without the community that we have!
I know this is not an exhaustive list of everything that could be done to prepare but it is what has helped us. Feel free to add any other suggestions in the Comments. I would love to hear them! Also ask any questions you think of.
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